Horse-Sensory: October 2010

"Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen... thank you..."

"Thank you... okay... let's get this thing started... if we could have some order, I think we can get started here..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, would you please shut the hell up! We've got a lot of business to attend to this afternoon..."

"Thank you. Now, there's a couple of things I'd like to go over before we get going here... Uh, number one- I would of course like to go ahead and acknowledge Popeye's® Chicken & Biscuits for sponsoring our gathering today... Their biscuits are terribly tasty... I had a couple, myself, before coming out here... So, go ahead and give them your business the next time you and yours are looking for some good chow..."

"...and, secondly- I hope everyone remembered to bring their owl. No one will be allowed entrance into the conference center or the buffet without an owl... Any owl will do... unless, of course, a barn owl... as I'm sure many of you remember the unfortunate... INCIDENTS from last year..."

"As I'm looking out in the crowd, I'm seeing lots of familiar faces, but lots of new ones, as well..."

"Why don't we go around and have some of the first-timers go ahead and introduce themselves... maybe your name, age, job, favorite non-owl hobby..."

"Shauna Roarke. I'm 24 and I'm a full time student at Bethelwurst... Go Tiger-sharks! Umm... my favorite non-owl hobby would probably have to be widdling wooden knives."

"And, who's your friend?"

"Jesus."

"Yes, very good. I was actually referring to your owl..."

"So was I. Jesus is her name. I named her after the famous pop-group."

"Alright. Fair enough."

"Moving on! Okay, you- towards the front..."

"Sick! What the hell is that?! Good lord, no... not you... the person behind you. Wow..."

"Me?"

"Um, yes. Could you push that freak out of the way and go ahead and tell us a little bit about yourself, okay?"

"Sorry about that... it's my step-daughter... she can be kind of a rascal if you feed her too much cereal..."

"...um...okay...? Hmm... Anyway, my name's Robert... most people call me 'Dr. Robert'... I guess because I'm a nurse... Although, I don't know why they wouldn't just call me 'Nurse Robert'..."

"And your owl?"

"Oh- right! Welp, this little guy's name is Judith Light- after my favorite actress of all time..."

"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little... Can we maybe talk to someone who isn't a male nurse? Would that be so hard to ask for?"

"Mary Jo Whitaker. The 'Z' is silent. I work at the Yarn-Barn up in Kettleman... I attended high school at Florence Duncan Elementary... My favorite hobby is staring contests... I've always wanted to travel to Delaware... My brother's in prison for aggravated arson, which I guess is basically the same as arson, except it's more aggravated... I hope to someday become the first assistant janitor of a Yarn-Barn to travel into space... I can't stand the taste of starch... my least favorite starch is--"

"Uh, Miss Whitaker... just what the hell is THAT?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question..."

"I'm only going to say this one more time... You were required to bring an owl... If you do not have an owl, you are not welcome at this meeting and automatically disqualified from the conference AND the buffet... Now, let's try this again.... Towards the back- ma'am, could you tell us about yourself and your owl, please?"

"Certainly. My name's Missy Stanton. My sister was Imogene Stanton. I'm from up North near Doobertville. I used to raise llamas... had us a big ranch- me and Edgar- that's my 2nd husband. My first husband, Talbot, died in the war- a course the county took away the llama ranch on account of Edgar's trouble with the law. Nothing serious, just some tax problems. We don't believe in taxes, so we stopped payin' 'em back in '42. Took all that money, plus what Edgar was makin' from the wig store, and we just bought us a bunch of mice... shoot- made sense at the time. Now, no one never told us that mice was an owl's main favorite food... we had no idea... we just let them mice run all over the property... we didn't know no better... we were just kids back then. Well, eventually, we just stopped taking baths and I think the smell, combined with all the mice, started attractin' these owls. At first it was just them little rascals like that one you got perched on top a yer shoulder... but, then, we got these great big bittys... They sent some men down from National Geographic magazine and they said what we had here weren't no bittys at all- they was what they called 'Zeus Owls'! Can you believe that? In our own backyard..."

"And, does this fine creature have a name?"

"His name is Bride-zilla."

"And, where do you get a name like 'Bride-zilla' for an owl?"

"Have YOU ever tried to get 2 owls to get married?"

*sigh*... "Yes."

"Well, this one will NOT settle down... let me tell you! I told him his days of livin' in sin were over, but, he will not listen to reason... as soon as we start arguing about it, he starts a hootin' and a hollerin', flyin' around the pantry... The worst part of it is- when a Zeus owl gets mad, it starts passing horrible gas! It's just god-awful... The smell is so bad, it woke Edgar up from a nap the other day... he comes a runnin' in to the pantry, pluggin' his nose and yellin' at me to 'go see a doctor!' I says that it weren't me, it was that damn Zeus owl! And Bride-zilla's up on his perch, just starin' down at us... Now, them National Geography men told us that owls can't smile, but as God as my witness, I swear I seen him smilin' at me after he passed that horrible gas that day..."