"Good coffee... not too strong... nice and TART.... doesn't burn my tongue like that coffee I tried to make at home... remember that, hon? Remember when my tongue was burnt from the bad coffee I made? *sigh*...."
"Wyatt... I have a confession to make. I didn't ask you to meet me here just for the coffee..."
"You didn't...?"
"No, my gentle bear, I didn't... you see, there's something else... something... well... *sigh*... this is hard..."
"What is it, pumpkin-sprout? You can tell me..."
"Well........ okay.... it's just that--"
"I've been cheating on you."
"A LOT."
"Bear...?"
"Sprout... how could you do this to me? I don't get it... What does this guy have that I don't...?"
"Welllllllll..... for starters...."
"He's more handsome than you, he makes more money than you, he knows how to satisfy a woman, he bought his house with cash- where as you're still paying a mortgage.... Ummm... let's see here... he doesn't toot in his sleep, he's never killed a houseplant, he drives a Ferrari- where as you drive a Passat..."
"Okay, okay... I get the picture..."
"...he doesn't collect model-trains, he doesn't mispronounce words like 'rendezvous', he doesn't cry after sex..."
"I said I FUCKING GET IT!!!!!!"
"Would anyone be interested in some of our seasonal brew? We have a lovely Pigeon Stout, which is really more of a dessert beer... don't let the name fool you- it's technically an Ale- a really hearty one, at that! Of course we've still got the special going on the couples 2-for-1 with the White Zin...."
"We're fine! Just the check, please!"
"Sounds good! I'll be right back with that check and tell ya what- I'll even sneak a few chocolate mints for you guys.... Be back in a jiff!"
"I kind of wanted to try that Pigeon Stout..."
"Denise, I just don't understand how you could do this to me... especially today- our ANNIVERSARY... and at our favorite date spot..."
"Look, Wyatt- It's not ME, it's YOU, okay? It's... NOT..... ME..... it's you... do you understand that, my bear?"
"...I guess... But, I still don't understand why you had to invite Stu and Linda..."
"...um... I have to say, the pecans they use in these Garden-Fresh salads are just... well, they're just so fresh, and I've never had a pecan this.... um, this TASTY. Not for a long time, anyway... my stepfather used to have a pecan tree--"
"Shutup, Linda."
"Right."
"Wyatt, there's one more thing I need to come clean about..."
"Oh, gosh.... what is it now...?"
"Wait-- what?!"
"Wait- Baby in disguise™?!?!"
"That's right, Wyatt! And, YOU fell for it! Ah-hahahahahaha!!!"
"Wait, so, how did you- but, how did she.... but, if I'm HERE, and you're-- wait- so, it was you this WHOLE TIME??! Oh, MAN! You got me! I'll be honest- YOU GOT ME! Hahahahahaha! I think I just tooted! Boy, is MY face red!"
"Check, please..."
"You should've seen your face! You were all- 'Oh, sprout... oh, I love you... how could you do this to me... oh, my sprout... blah, blah, blah...'! Fucking PRICELESS."
"Yeah, you got me, baby. YOU GOT ME! Phew! Alright, guys... I'm gonna go home and spend my anniversary making sweet efficient love to my wife! I'll see you guys later!"
"Um, you can't do that, Wyatt..."
"Uhh.... why not?"
"Because she's at her boyfriend's house. She's been cheating on you this whole time!"
"...Wyatt?.... umm.... yeah, sorry you had to find out like this... I can't help but feel partly responsible..."
Sing it with me, kids- to the tune of "Riders On The Storm"
